I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
