Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
