My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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