does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize