Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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