hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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