Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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