i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
