I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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