If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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