i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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