Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
