goodnight i made you a song goodbye
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize