I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
