Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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