Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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