I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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