I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
