Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
