Already got asked if we're dating
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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