i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
