cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize