and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
