Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize