mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
