just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize