the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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