I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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