I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize