I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
