I wish I could teleport
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
