my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
