Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
