Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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