Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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