Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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