i would punch a child for taco bell
I think I won the penis lottery.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we're making bets on your personal life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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