I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
