I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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