the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
