He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize