I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
pop tarts are not kleenex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
