You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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