I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
