His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
