I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
