oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
