i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize