the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
