so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
