Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love you. Go after that dick
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
