i already hear my dad disowning me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
