there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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