Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
