Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
