I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
