ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
