Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize