May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
