i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
