Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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