Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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