I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
