I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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